Battle for the Lost Planet (1986)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮✮

DIRECTOR– Brett Piper

PLOT– A criminal mastermind named Harry infiltrates the incredibly tight security around the space shuttle by rolling under a door and then locking it behind him. (Brilliant, huh?) The two guards assigned to guard the space shuttle that night, being confounded by a locked door, take a cigarette break. Harry decides to steal the space shuttle while they aren’t looking. As he flies off into space, he notices thousands of spaceships headed towards Earth. Harry’s instincts tell him they are Asian. The onboard computer quickly assures Harry that the invading fleet is, in fact, not Asian. Not being able to do anything about the impending destruction of his world, Harry floats around space for 5 more years until he bumps into the Earth again. It’s now a wasteland ruled by ugly space elephants. He lands and joins forces with a sexy scientist, a Frank Stallone/Jeff Lynne lookalike from New Jersey named “Mad Dog”, and his makeup-happy girlfriend to overthrow millions of aliens now occupying Earth.

5 REASONS TO WATCH

  1. talking Bic lighters
  2. astronauts in tank tops
  3. space sex with a pillow
  4. gangs populated with dads in denim
  5. creme-filled alien heads

REVIEW– You would think, with a name like Battle for the Lost Planet, the film would be chock-full of massive armies of armored stormtroopers, electrifying laser-gun fights, and armadas of spaceships engaging in epic dogfights.

Well…

Would you settle for a couple of guys in rubber masks grunting and tumbling their way around an abandoned factory?

I hope you’re not expecting much more… cause that’s pretty much all you get with this movie.

The “battle” for American independence… the “battle” for Stalingrad… the “battle” for Normandy… all bring to mind grand clashes between huge armies covering expansive areas.

The “battle” referenced in this film’s title consists of 4 humans fighting 12 aliens with penis-noses in a basement. Very disappointing.

A more appropriate title might have been Two Hairy Goombas vs The Wrestling Pachyderms. At least that title would’ve set our expectations at an appropriate level.

The filmmakers did attempt some Harryhausen-type stop-motion miniature sequences that are fun… especially if you grew up watching silly sci-fi/adventure movies. Battle for the Lost Planet is no 20 Million Miles To Earth, but those scenes are probably the best part of the movie.

I can’t recommend Battle for the Lost Planet. It’s just badly written, horribly acted, and it feels like so much of the already tiny budget went to the miniature special effects, it left little money to spend on costumes… or sets… or sound… or lighting… or stunts… you get the idea.

Its just a cheap-looking, somewhere-slightly-below-average B-grade movie.


Peter is a grower not a shower.