Christina (1984)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮½

DIRECTOR– Francisco Lara Polop

PLOT– Christina is a multi-millionaire model, publisher, and accidental sexy crime fighter…

Not accidentally-sexy or sexy-crime, but an accidental crime-fighter that is full of sexiness… like so sexy… she is sexy… sexy, sexy, sexy.

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm… sexy.

Did we mention that Christina is chockfull of the sexy stuff? See for yourself…

The world’s sexiest supermodel… or your 2nd grade teacher?

I don’t know where a sexy sex millionaire sex woman lives, but that sexy kitty sex cat likes to spread her sexy sexiness to the south of Sexy France… cause it’s not just sexy… it’s Sexy France.

**fine, we’ll lay off the “sexy” stuff… but you better not expect this film to lay off… cause they won’t… in fact, they will beat you over the head with a sock full of Christina’s sexiness until your unconscious… which, when watching this movie, may or may not be a good thing**

Anyways, Christina has a boyfriend in France and he loves to put on the sexiest leather sex pants this side of se…

**there I go again… dang it… sorry… I’m so sorry… but this movie gets you all sex’d up… and it’s hard to stop cold turkey**

They haven’t seen each other in months, so they immediately have… well… you know… on the beach with some crazy euro-synth mood music blaring.

After getting sand everywhere, they head to a nearby movie star’s house to clean up. But instead, they talk about… um… sex…

**listen, there is no frickin’ way to summarize this movie without saying “sex” about 6,000 times… so we’ll just try to keep it to a minimum**

Well, a local all-girl terror group named 10th Of November finds out Christina is there. They send their sexiest terrorist to kidnap her… which fails miserably because, as everyone who isn’t in an all-girl terrorist organization knows, “sexy” isn’t really an attribute that makes for a good kidnapper.

Chistina and her friends easily subdue the terrorist, who happens to end up topless, and threaten her with torture… after dinner… cause they’re all hungry. So they leave her with a 65yr old butler.

That goes about as well as you expect…

Elderly servant who serves tea… or security professional?

None of that matters because all this kidnapping and torture and attempted murder stuff has made everyone feel really sexy, so a nice sex orgy is on the table… literally.

After the table orgy, they’re feeling sexy, so they have sex again… and then that makes them feel sexy… again, so they have sex… AGAIN

**Jesus… this is just getting ridiculous… okay… I’m omitting any more sex from this plot summary… no more… just know that, literally, about every 30-45 seconds somebody in this film is feeling sexy, acting sexy, having sex, or watching someone else have sex… but I refuse to mention it anymore… no more… so, alright, here it goes…**

Christina is ambushed again by the 10th Of November and this time they’re successful.

The 10th Of November is headed by an insane German lady who hates wine.

They plan to demand a ransom for Christina.

So they take Christina to their terror group headquarters where they train women to fence and jump on trampolines and grunt and yell “get ’em!”.

Christina immediately falls in love with one of the kidnappers.

The German lady gets mad.

Christina has a dream about toy cars.

Christina falls in love with a different kidnapper.

Christina is rescued… by a separate group of kidnappers… all men this time.

Christina quickly falls in love with yet another kidnapper because he can cook.

They go on vacation to Majorca.

They have dinner at a gypsy cafe where 16yr old Spanish Donny Osmond sings a song.

Christina instantly falls in love with Spanish Donny Osmond

Christina and Spanish Donny Osmond run off together.

Christina and Spanish Donny Osmond hitch a ride with a lettuce farmer and throw lettuce at some evil motorcyclists.

The evil motorcyclists are arrested by the police.

Spanish Donny Osmond takes her back to her boyfriend.

They have a 24hr catered disco-dance party to celebrate the heroics of Spanish Donny Osmond.

Spanish frickin’ Donny frickin’ Osmond is the hero.

Yep… a 16yr old lounge singer who shows up with about 10 minutes left in the movie, is the HERO… 🙄

Action hero… or teen magazine heartthrob?

3 THINGS WE LEARNED

  1. Evidently, if mouth-to-mouth resuscitation doesn’t work, mouth-to-crotch is an excellent alternative
  2. Kidnappers are the 2nd most desirable people on the face of Earth
  3. There is a Spanish version of 16yr old Donny Osmond… and that clean-cut, sweater-wearing kid with feathered dry hair is THE most desirable person on the face of Earth

REVIEW– Hear is the full review of Christina:

You know how you were watching The Return of the Living Dead last Saturday? And you saw that group of teens in the graveyard?

And you remember how you thought “I’ve seen a lot of movies with Linnea Quigley in them… but what about that other cute one? The one with the spiked hair and f#ck-you attitude? “

“Has she starred in any movies?”

Well, you’re in luck, Stanley (if your name isn’t Stanley, please insert another name).

Her name is Jewel Shepard and she starred in a Euro-trash production titled Christina the year before Return of the Living Dead.

And remember how you answered with glee “Really? She starred in her own movie? Wow! Thanks!”

And then you giggled like a schoolgirl and asked “Tell me, since it’s Euro-trash, does she… um… you know… show her boobies?”

Well, Stanley, you’ve done gone and hit the jackpot!

She shows her boobies… and a whole lot more. A WHOLE LOT MORE.

And remember how you said “Holy cow! Yay for me! I won the Jewel Shepard jackpot!”

And then you said the sentence you’d come to regret…

“I want to see Jewel Shepard nude… show me the movie now!”

So you started watching Christina.

And about 20 minutes into the movie, you screamed out in pain “Enough! Good God! This isn’t worth it! Yes, I wanted to see Ms. Shepard’s boobies, but this movie is worse than having needles shoved under my fingernails! I’m sorry I ever asked to see it! My eyes hurt! Please turn it off! God, please!”

… yeah, that’s Christina.

Have fun watching… for as long as you can endure it.


Helga was a cruel mistress but always rewarded her faithful kitty-kats with new headbands.