Deathstalker (1983)

Spread the weird

RATING– ★★★½

DIRECTOR– James Sbardellati (as John Watson)

PLOT– Deathstalker is a man who loves a good pun… who loves a good fight… who loves a good haircut… who loves a good woman… and who loves some good lovin’.

And more than all that, Deathstalker loves a great big sword.

So when he meets a King displace by evil Lord Munkar that wants his castle, his army, and his daughter, Princess Codille, back… well, Deathstalker can’t refuse the opportunity to make a few witty puns.

But when he finds an old lady with a wart problem that promises him a bigger sword, Deathstalker can’t resist.

Dude loves a big ol’ sword.

The sword is in a cave guarded by a slimy monkey and a giant that just wants someone to understand his pain. Somehow the slimy monkey turns the Deathstalker into a child for 2 minutes, which turns the slimy monkey into a greasy hermit.

(yep… I don’t understand either)

Well, it turns out a great big sword isn’t enough for Deathstalker, if he can’t use it. So he finds a young man in tight leather pants and a cape named Ohgris.

Feathered hair was very popular with John Stamos… and ancient warriors

They spend long moonlit nights together by an open fire showing each other their impressive swords.

Soon, they invite Kaira, a topless blonde, to join in on their fun.

That looks comfortable…

Lord Munkar has heard all about Deathstalker’s huge sword and decides to feed an eyeball to his pet slug that he keeps in his hope-chest and then have an orgy in some mud.

Deathstalker, his young ward, and Kaira decide to attend the orgy where Lord Munkar announces he will hold a tournament to name his successor… and to show off their really big swords.

Deathstalker meets the displaced King’s daughter, Princess Codille, at the orgy.

Who’s breasts are bigger?

They decide to have a little moany time together.

Lord Munkar decides to kill Deathstalker so he turns his greatest warrior, Gargit, into a female… an exact copy of Princess Codilile… to fool Deathstalker.

Deathstalker and the newly female’d Gargit have sex, but something just doesn’t feel right to Deathstalker.

Kaira, sensing that fake Princess Codille might actually have a hidden penis, kills her/him just in time for the first day of the tournament where shirtless Ohgris successfully defeats another shirtless dude.

Then he decides to fight Deathstalker in his underwear for some reason.

It goes badly for Ogris.

Hulk Hogan’s signature move… a noogie

Deathstalker (I guess) eventually wins the tournament (they’re not very clear on that).

This makes Lord Munkar very, very mad (again, the movie is not to clear on all that) and he decides to kill Deathstalker himself.

So he grabs his best flashlight (cause that’s always a good thing to have in a swordfight) and confronts Deathstalker.

Needless to say, he loses.

Deathstalker takes the opportunity for another witty pun, kills Lord Munkar, takes his enormous sword, and leaves…

…nothing is mentioned about Princess Codille or the displaced King… the whole plot just goes out the window… like the screenwriter forgot what the hell the movie was about…

Whatever… the end.

3 THINGS WE LEARNED

  1. Plot and story aren’t really that important to a film
  2. Big swords, big breasts, and lots of grunting are important to a film
  3. Why, dear lord, does this movie have THREE frickin’ sequels

REVIEW– As bad as Deathstalker is as a film, it is 13yr-old-me heaven…

Swords, axes, war-hammers…

I think he dropped his war-hammer in cherry Jell-O

Horses, pig-men, fights to the death…

I’m betting neither of these guys has seen a shower in weeks

Topless soldiers, topless princesses, topless wenches…

Ancient Sumerian mud wrestling!

Oh boy!

13yr-old-me is all up in that!

If they could’ve figured out how to work in a talking helicopter or a wise-cracking dune-buggy, 13yr-old-me would’ve just died. Just died.

Oh! What about throwing in submarines that fire lasers??!?

And a killer like Michael Myers or Jason Voorhies roaming around slashing up coeds in tiny g-strings?!?!

And little furry aliens that suddenly have fangs and eat people?!!!!?

Okay. Fine. I admit it…

13yr-old-me is still alive and kicking and found lots of stupid awesome things to make its 80-minute runtime lots of fun.

Turn this movie on, let out your 13yr-old-you out, and have a great time.


Brad’s anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun