Embrace of the Vampire (1995)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✭½

DIRECTOR– Anne Goursaud

PLOT– An ancient vampire somehow finds a smalltown college co-ed that reminds him of his long-dead girlfriend. He’s determined to capture the heart of the university freshman and immediately puts his plan into motion… going shirtless, having imaginary threesomes, and drinking in dive-bars.

5 REASONS TO WATCH

  1. Being excited about carbonation
  2. Inappropriate lesbian photographers
  3. Vampire sex
  4. Fri’enemies
  5. Horny billiards

REVIEWEmbrace of the Vampire stars Alyssa Milano. She’s in almost every scene… where she’s either sleeping or having sex.

It’s not split right down the middle, but it’s close. I’d say 60/40 for sleeping (bumpin’ uglies that much will make a gal quite sleepy).

However, even while she’s sleeping, she’s dreaming of getting lucky… undead threesomes, public orgies, and even pettin’ the kitty with a newfound friend. Ms. Milano’s fantasies are quite numerous… and quite creative.

So, therefore, if you take that into account, the sleep/sex percentages tilt way back in favor of sex.

All this adds up to one thing: Alyssa Milano is nude throughout much of this movie… which, for many, is a very good thing.

For me, however, not so good.

I grew up watching a cute Alyssa Milano as “Sam” on Who’s The Boss? So watching her play hide-the-bishop so freely feels very creepy.

Yes, she’s 23 years old when this movie was made, but still…

Embrace of the Vampire is a masterpiece as a Cinemax After Dark extravaganza. However, as a vampire flick, it’s one of the worst I’ve ever seen. The story makes no sense whatsoever. It’s filmed like softcore porn. The dialogue seems to have been written as they were filming.

Watch it only if, while enjoying an episode of Charmed on the WB Network, you’ve found yourself thinking “Boy, this show needs more nonsense and less clothing”.

However, be warned… if you remember Alyssa Milano as I do…

… you’ll feel like you need to take a shower afterward.


Without his glasses, Gary was unable to locate his shirt.