Golden Temple Amazons (1986)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮✮✮

DIRECTOR– Jesus Franco

PLOT– There’s a tribe of blonde, topless Amazons lead by a 60 yr-old Spanish geezer and living in a gold city somewhere in Africa.

Why are Amazons blonde? Who knows?

Why are Amazons lead by a man? Who knows?

Why are Amazons living in Africa? Yeah… who knows?

None of that matters one bit. But what does matter… that city of gold!

A colonist family finds out about the city, greed takes hold and they vow to steal as much gold as a drunk, bald German dude can carry in his khaki’s.

Golden Temple Amazons review
“Mein schnapps vill be gut!”

The blonde Amazons learn about his plot and send four of their most topless warriors to make sure that doesn’t happen… they end up killing the bald German and his wife as their young daughter Liana looks on in horror.

Without parents, the young woman turns to elephants and giraffes to raise her. They do a surprisingly good job of raising her… Liana has a great command of the English language, keeps her hair in a stylish haircut, and is able to clothe herself in stylish sexy g-strings… however, it is very apparent elephants do not believe in shirts of any kind as Liana prefers to run around the jungle with her untamed ladybumps swinging free like the monkeys in the trees.

Golden Temple Amazons movie review
♫ ♬ Born free… ♫ ♬

A traveling missionary visits Liana’s old house where he finds Liana playing with her pet monkey. He breaks out her parent’s diary and explains to Liana that the Amazons murdered her parents. She immediately vows revenge and decides to travel to the gold city and take vengeance on some topless blondes… ummm, I mean Amazons.

She sets out for the gold city but is immediately captured by a tribe of friendly cross-eyed natives.

“Which Liana is talking to me?”

The world’s most unnecessarily cranky witch-doctor named KouKou is not happy with Liana (for some unknown reason) and decides to challenge her to a fight… even though his only discernible skill is mumbling gibberish. Liana wins quite easily and invites KouKou on her quest.

They soon stumble upon an explorer who is also trying to find the golden temple of the Amazons. After KouKou mumbles some more gibberish, Liana asks the explorer to join her group too.

They wander around the jungle nude for a while, stumble upon a poison gas cave, and finally are captured by the toughest topless blonde Amazon of them all… an eyepatch-wearin’, Nazi-sympathizin’ she-warrior named Rena… but having a name certainly doesn’t matter when you’re wearing an outfit like this…

Golden Temple Amazons B movie
Took me awhile to notice she had an eyepatch

The group is promptly tortured, starved, and made to fight to the death. Fortunately, Liana’s pet monkey has followed and sets them free.

Such a good monkey.

Liana escapes and explains to the Amazons that they better leave or else… which seems to work.

Her pet monkey is very impressed.

3 THINGS WE LEARNED

  1. Amazons appear to be Nazi-sympathizing Swedish bikini models
  2. Elephants make great foster parents
  3. An Amazon’s idea of fun is quite different than most people’s

REVIEW– Besides the absolute eschewing of any common understanding about Amazon mythology, Golden Temple Amazons is a ridiculously mindless, excessive, and fun-loving piece of the Franco menagerie.

Being a jungle film, thankfully Mr. Franco avoids the standard deplorable-European-director addition of animal torture. Instead, the animals are treated as Liana’s family of companions.

Jess Franco also steers a wide berth around any use of clothing above the waist for any of his female cast. Honestly, if you’re into swimming topless, throwing spears topless, swinging on vines topless, searching the jungle for golden cities topless, riding elephants topless, spelunking topless, being held in chains topless, escaping those chains topless, or simply fighting bald guys in leopard-print speedo’s topless… you’re in luck.

The was a feeble attempt made to partially cover Liana’s jungle-bongo’s…

Well, good attempt… I guess

… as you can imagine, this didn’t work.

Golden Temple Amazons is one of Franco’s lighter efforts for sure.

No graphic sex, no lesbian vampires, no flesh-eating zombies…

In fact, if it wasn’t for the fact that every single female who appears on screen proudly displays their golden-globes, Golden Temple Amazons might well be a Saturday afternoon film for children.

We here at Faulty Flicks are unabashed Franco-files so, admittedly, we might be more than a little biased, but we think you’ll have a mindlessly good time for the modest runtime of 88 minutes.

Plus, if you’ve never seen a woman’s breasts before… well… you’ll be a dang world-renown expert on the subject after viewing Golden Temple Amazons.


Golden Temple Amazons photo
The new fireman uniforms were a hit with the focus group of 12-17 year-old males.