Hands of Steel (1986)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮½

DIRECTOR– Sergio Martino (as Martin Dolman)

PLOT– A cyborg (Daniel Greene) with a heart is hired to kill an environmentalist (Franco Fantasia) out to save the country from ruin. After purposefully botching the hit, he hides out in an Arizona restaurant and motel and then falls in love with the beautiful owner (Janet Agren).

6 REASONS TO WATCH

  1. environmental Chinese communists
  2. cyborgs with Casio watches
  3. vacuum cleaner hoses on everything
  4. spies named Paco Queruack
  5. busboys with sweaty chests
  6. Saran Wrap hot-shorts

REVIEWHands of Steel is one of those movies that just reeks of awkward filmmaking. It’s appropriate that the movie is about a half-human/half-robot trying to fit in. Each and every scene, each and every line of dialogue seems to have been written by something that’s not quite human. As if a computer was told humans can talk and act, but not told how they talk and act. (even the name of the hero of the movie sounds like random letters spit out by a machine… Paco Queruack)

Here’s a great example: There’s a scene where the owner of the motel tells the cyborg that he must chop some wood for his room and board. He agrees and they walk outback. In the back of the motel sits a huge pile of trash…no wood…a plastic chair, an air conditioner, some hoses, a few car tires, some boxes… but no wood. The cyborg gets to work. Cut to a few minutes later and he’s somehow, someway turned a pile of very-definitely-not-wood garbage into cords of wood.

What?!? How?!? ~Error Error~ Does not compute!

Anyway, the movie is chaotic. It’s a confusing muddle with moments of fun sprinkled in. The only thing it really guarantees is 90 minutes of strange, inept filmmaking.

FUN FACT– The cyborg star of Hands of Steel is Daniel Greene. For almost 40 years, Mr. Greene has been an actor starring in a variety of TV, films, and stage projects. However, his first acting gig was on the daytime soap opera General Hospital. General Hospital has spawned/starred many famous people. Heres a few:

  • Elizabeth Taylor – Liz certainly wasn’t a newcomer when she visited the show. She was the biggest star on the planet and could do what she damn well pleased… and that included taking a job on a daytime soap. Elizabeth Taylor stunned Hollywood by appearing on ABC’s General Hospital as villainess Helena Cassadine, who campily crashed the wedding of Luke and Laura and put a curse on them that lasts to this day.
  • Ricky Martin – The ‘Living la Vida Loca’ singer starred in ‘General Hospital’ for about a year in 1994. Ricky played the part of the Miguel Morez, a singer and protege of Lois and Brenda at L&B Records. He was most recently seen in the FX show ‘The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story.’
  • John Stamos – 80’s and 90’s heartthrob John Stamos, who is best known for his role as ‘Uncle Jessie’ in ‘Full House’ and ‘Fuller House’ played the role of Blackie Parrish between the years of 1982 and 1984 on ‘General Hospital’.
  • Amber Tamblyn- Amber was all of 12 years old when she joined the cast of General Hospital in 1995. She played the role of a young Emily Quartermaine till 2001, after which she passed on the baton to Natalia Livingston.
  • Rick Springfield – This musician had every girl in America wanting to be ‘Jessie’s Girl’. But did you know that Rick also starred in ‘General Hospital’ in the early 80’s, playing the part of Dr. Noah Drake? This was before he made it big in the music scene. He even returned shortly to ‘General Hospital’ in early 2000 to reprise the part.
  • Jonathan Jackson – You’ve probably seen him on ‘Nashville’, but before Jonathan made his mark on the hit television show, he was playing the part of Lucky Spencer in ‘General Hospital’. He joined the cast in 1993.
  • Demi Moore – Before breaking bread with Hollywood, Demi Moore starred as a young, feisty reporter named Jackie Templeton on ‘General Hospital’. She was a part of the show between 1982 and 1983.
  • Mark Hamill – Before he was Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamill played Kent Murray from 1972 to 1973 on ‘General Hospital’. Kent’s storyline on the show was that he and his sister are forced to live with their aunt following the death of their father.
  • James Franco – James never really needed his big break on the show. Instead, he signed up for 20 episodes to play the character of ‘Franco’, an artist who has an obsession with Jason Morgan. The actor kept appearing sporadically on the show between the years 2009 and 2012.
Lisa considered Dan’s breast milk superior to any flavor from Coffee-Mate.