Hard Ticket To Hawaii (1987)

Spread the weird

RATING– ★★★½

DIRECTOR– Andy Sidaris

PLOT– The Hawaiian islands aren’t just full of striking flora and exotic fauna, they’re also filled to the brim with drug lords intent on spreading their illicit product up and down the shoreline. Two police officers (who stunningly resemble the Dalai Lama in dad shorts) stumble upon this fact and pay for it with their lives…

That tickles!

The drug lord has devised a 100% solid, fool-proof scheme… pay for drugs with a toy helicopter stuffed with diamonds. Donna and Taryn, a couple of blonde cargo pilots, one of whom is also a secret agent, somehow accidentally steal the diamonds…

They had payphones back in the 80s??!?

…oh, and set loose a crazy-ass snake contaminated by toxic cancer-infested rats.

That really puts them in a pickle… now a violent toy-loving drug lord is after them AND Hawaii being terrorized by a a crazy-ass snake contaminated by toxic cancer-infested rats!

What are a couple Playboy Playmate to do???

How about a topless dip in their jacuzzi…!

Who wants to start a game of "Marco Polo"??!?

Surprisingly, their plan doesn’t work… They do get quite clean, but the drug lord has already found out about them and the snake has eaten a couple of tourists.

Oopsy.

Meanwhile, her partner hunky Rowdy Abilene, after practicing some weirdly homoerotic karate with his equally hunky friend Jade, has decided to hunt down the source of the drugs…

They are intercepted by a skateboardin’, sex-doll lovin’, fanny-pack wearin’, big ol’ stache sportin’, surfer with a tiny shotgun…

Pew Pew Pew

He’s blown up by a surface-to-air missile.

All four meet up, have a little sexy-time, and shoot at the drug lord’s wine glasses.

The snake contaminated by toxic cancer-infested rats has been hiding in the toilet and attacks one of the unsuspecting blondes. It is blown up by a surface-to-air missile.

3 THINGS WE LEARNED

  1. Big-boobed blondes like to shower topless in front of each other… much to the delight of males everywhere
  2. Big-boobed blondes like to bathe in a jacuzzi topless with each other… much to the further delight of males everywhere
  3. Snakes contaminated by toxic cancer-infested rats is a much bigger problem than I thought it ever could be

REVIEW– I like Andy Sidaris… and I’m guessing any red-blooded American man that went through puberty also likes Andy Sidaris.

Big guns, big explosions, and big boobs fill the screen in just about every minute of his movies… and Hard Ticket To Hawaii is no exception.

… and what other writer/director includes a giant snake, a skateboarding assassin, and a frisbee ringed with razor blades.

Add in blondes undressing for no reason, missiles launching for no reason, snakes in exploding toilets for no reason, and a cross-dressing restaurant host/hostess for no reason and you’ve got a B-movie classic that’ll stand the test of time.


Jenny called to find out if they had any more ridiculously huge pieces of brass she could hang on one of her body parts.