Hercules (1983)

Spread the weird


DIRECTOR– Luigi Cozzi

REVIEW– The gods are watching over all of us. Making sure our life is fair. That our existence isn’t threatened by evil. And when the dark forces gain the upper hand, the gods bring life back into balance… 

…by sending us huge bearded men in tight leather underwear. 

Men with bigger chests than most Sports Illustrated swimsuit models have fallen from heaven to crush evil between their chiseled buttocks. 

The hairiest of them all is none other than Hercules. This guy is so manly, he fights eight shirtless stuntmen and throws a log into outer space. This guy is so manly, he cleans horse stalls and wears leather mini-skirts. 

And even though witches, robots, and a guy in a bear suit try to kill him, Hercules smashes all of them in the clutches of his enormous glistening pecs. 

Beads of sweat cascade down the gently rolling hills of massive sinew stretching across Hercules’ taught frame. A sparkle of morning dew that settles on his ample beard twinkles in the moonlight each time he demolishes an inferior being. The suppleness of Hercules’ bronze skin embraces… 

…Sorry. All that flesh got me carried away. 

It really boils down to this: 

You’ll love this movie if you like muscles. 

Lou Ferrigno would often sing his mother to sleep with his rendition of “The Real Slim Shady”.