Horror Hospital (1973)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮✮½

DIRECTOR– Anthony Balch

PLOT– A past-his-prime musician named Jason gets beat up by a female impersonator and decides he needs a vacation. After consulting with some druggies from a local club, he decides to take something called a “Hairy Holiday”. He visits his local sexual predator who sends his on a dream vacation to a hospital… because that’s fun ¯\_(ツ)_/¯… On the train ride up he meets Judy, a young woman who eats apples and cheese, assumes everyone is out to rape her, and has an aunt who runs a brothel. They arrive at the hospital and immediately have sex in a suit of armor… because that’s sexy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯… Anyway, at lunch, they realize that all the other guests at the hospital have been surgically transformed into mindless zombies. After questioning their host, Dr. Storm, about his past, they find out he used to be a big-deal scientist in Czarist Russia and holds a grudge against Stalin not because he sentenced millions of Russians to death at Siberian Gulags, but because the communist dictator hired some young people. So he stole a dwarf, installed a retractable razor on his Rolls-Royce, and now bribes travel agents to send him Londoners to fill his army of living dead gymnasts.

Yep… that’s the plot.

5 REASONS TO WATCH

  1. Transexual rock singers that don’t sing
  2. Plagiarized bitter rock songwriters who don’t sing
  3. The most dangerous limousine in the world
  4. Little dwarf, big bald spot
  5. “Shish-Kabobs!”

REVIEW– Let me get this straight… people in England, when they need to relax and get away from their stressful lives, when they seek out a fun vacation with exciting things to do and see, when they want to forget about their work and just chill… they go to the hospital???

I’ve been to the hospital a few times in my life. Most recently I tried to shorten my arm with a miter saw. It went poorly.

Needless to say, I did not at any point have a “nice” time while I was at the hospital.

In fact, I’d say it was just a tad more stressful than my everyday life.

Mostly, when I envision a trip to take my mind off of everyday life, I think of an exotic location with beautiful landscapes, delicious cuisine, and filled with thrilling experiences.

Not hospitals.

Nor would I plan my holiday visiting:

  • dental surgeons
  • enema technicians
  • traffic school
  • Taliban training compounds
  • meat-packing plants
  • medical waste landfills
  • asylums for the criminally insane
  • pepper spray test centers
  • rusty surgical tool operating rooms

You may not believe that last one on the list actually exists, but I looked it up… there’s one in El Paso. Honest.


Kenny was quite confused on exactly what “wearing protection” during sex meant.