It’s Alive! (1969)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮½

DIRECTOR– Larry Buchanan

REVIEW– Oh boy! It’s Alive is one stinky bean burrito of a movie. 
A pre-historic giant frog-monster lives! 

I think… 

It certainly isn’t the star of this movie. It gets about 10 seconds of face time… out of a one hour and twenty-minute film. But that’s long enough to figure out it’s a frog… er… no, it’s a lizard… uh… maybe a green gold-fish… I don’t know. But it’s got huge fangs and big ol’ buggy eyes. According to Professor Wayne Thomas, the film’s heroic paleontologist, there used to be hundreds of them roaming the Ozark Mountains (as if I needed another reason not to visit Arkansas).

This “Jack-Elam-Eyed” creature has been captured by Greely, a man spurned by the Arkansas Department of Transportation, and he’s hell-bent on taking out his mass-transit frustration on any stranger that happens upon his farmhouse. 

That’s the plot… honest! 

And it rambles on for half the movie until, for some unknown reason, the film suddenly turns into a silent-movie. People running around mouthing words that aren’t heard, while a completely inappropriate musical score plays. No kidding! I’m guessing director Larry Buchanan wanted to give the audience a sleepy-time-snooze-break so they could make it through the second half onslaught of train-wreck level filmmaking. 

Unfortunately, after 20 minutes of silent-movie time, it returns to a talkie… hardly enough time for a good nap! 

I’m not sure what is going on with It’s Alive, but I do know this… if this film were shown to prisoners of war, it would violate every law of the Geneva Convention. 

I’m giving this a 1½ star rating… only because I’m somewhat confident somebody somewhere has made something worse. Although, at this point, I can’t imagine it.

“Hey, Cowboy… hands off the Oldsmobile!”