Malibu Express (1985)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮✮

DIRECTOR– Andy Sidaris

REVIEW– Take a simple Texas country boy…give him some tiny jeans and an enormous mustache…throw in a plot that even the writers of Murder, She Wrote would’ve found stupefying and contrived…and you’ve got yourself Malibu Express

Think Knight Rider meets Baywatch… but not quite as clever. 

Our simple Texas country boy/private eye, Cody, lives on a yacht that’s painted to look like a train (because his dead mother loves trains and his dead father used to street-race against hillbillies… whatever that means). Cody’s marina landlord hires him to find out who’s selling American computers to the Soviet Union… 

Yes, his marina landlord hired him to break up an international espionage conspiracy… his marina landlord.

Yep.

Somehow, he ends up at a Bel-Air estate, owned by some woman named Lady Chamberlain, as a guest? Or maybe a servant? Who knows… that’s just plot, and if Malibu Express proves only one thing, it’s that it won’t let the plot get in the way of anything. 

Anyway, Cody has his own unique way of solving international espionage mysteries… although, for the life of me, I can’t tell you what that is… because it seemed as though, throughout the entire movie, all Cody did was act like that creepy guy at a party trying way too hard to have sex with anything with a vagina! 

Throw in scantily clad girls, a Ferrari or two, and feathered hair-cuts for the entire cast and, well… Malibu Express isn’t going to win any awards for film making, but at least it’ll entertain 13-year-old boys for an hour and a half! 

The dangerously low pressure inside their buttocks acted upon their shorts much like the vacuum of space.