Never Too Young To Die (1986)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮✮

DIRECTOR– Gil Bettman

PLOT– The name Stargrove may sound like the nickname of an over-the-top macho he-man bulging with steroidal muscles stretching a red, white, and blue spandex onesie… but it’s not.

It’s the name of a superspy family from the suburbs that consist of Drew, the father, and his completely clueless son Lance… whose main occupation seems to be bouncing on a school trampoline while the wrestling team drinks him in with their eyes.

Well, Drew has been killed trying to capture the world-renown cabaret star (and domestic terrorist) Velvet Von Ragnar. It seems Von Ragnar needs a computer disk to poison the town’s water supply…?

At Drew’s funeral, his son Lance learns he has a farm so he visits and falls in love with the wildly exotic and dangerously sexy stable-girl Danja… who happens to have a few hundred firearms stored behind the hay.

Danja suggests that Velvet Von Ragnar might be behind Lance’s father’s death, so they put a plan in place… go see Velvet Von Ragnar’s concert. Ragnar finds out and sends a few of his Mad Mad rejects to menace them with threatening snarls and mean faces. But an Asian guy shows up in some ridiculous clothing.

But you’ll need to do more than that to take down a Stargrove… like peeking at Lance and Darja during some voyeuristic sex and then kidnapping them.

Unfortunately, Lance and Darja accidentally bring the disk to Ragnar so that he can carry out his evil plan of making the town’s water kinda gross.

Ragnar brings the disk and a time-bomb to the dam holding the town’s drinking water and sets the timer for a ridiculously long time… long enough for Lance and Darja to show up.

Ragnar tries to throw Lance off the dam, but Lance bites him on the nipple and harmlessly disposes of the bomb by throwing it in the air.

Lance, Darja, and an Asian in ridiculous clothing triumphantly walk off the dam hand-in-hand-in-hand.

3 THINGS WE LEARNED

  1. Trampoline bouncy-bouncy-bouncy seems to be an intercollegiate sport
  2. The Hells Angels absolutely frickin’ love cross-dressing hermaphrodites
  3. Cross-dressing hermaphrodites absolutely frickin’ hate reservoirs

REVIEWNever Too Young To Die isn’t really an entertaining movie.

It has interesting parts… like KISS’s Gene Simmons maniacally laughing through every scene…

This guy is in KISS

or Vanity playing with a garden hose…

Vanity was thirsty

or John Stamos jumping around on a trampoline like an 8yr old…

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

… but as a whole, this movie is pretty dang terrible.

It doesn’t make any sense (unless you know the inner workings of dam engineering), the dialogue is nonsensical (unless enjoy trying to guess what the hell people are talking about every 10 minutes), and the action sequences are comical (unless you enjoy people tumbling around and grunting a lot).

There’s no reason to watch this movie…

If you really want to see Vanity, see Action Jackson. If you really want to see Gene Simmons, see KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. And if you really want to see John Stamos, well…

…alright. If you really, really, really want to see John Stamos, you have my blessing. Watch Never Too Young To Die.


Prince hit the steroids a little too hard.