Night Claws (2012)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮½

DIRECTOR– David A. Prior

PLOT– Here’s our best guess… A fatal attack by an unknown hairy creature on a small-town couple prompts a local sheriff (Reb Brown), a government agent (Leilani Sarelle), covert operatives, elite bounty hunters, and a trophy wife (Alissa Koenig) to run around the woods for a while.

5 REASONS TO WATCH

  1. stuttering pathologists
  2. survivalists who wear eyeliner
  3. couples with anger issues
  4. walking in a diamond pattern
  5. The Presidential Scientific Board For The Discovery Of New Species

REVIEWNight Claws is unreviewable. It’s a mess of a movie that has no coherent storyline. It does have Bigfoot. So it isn’t completely, absolutely terrible. It makes zero sense, but at 83 minutes, it moves along and doesn’t drag out it’s incoherent ending (to be fair, there is no ending…just a stoppage of things on the screen). Reb Brown is his good ol’ emotionless self. He does manage to eke out a half-hearted squeal in one scene, but mostly it’s like watching a pancake dressed up as a policeman. Somehow, two women fall for this uniformed hunk of apathy. Neither of them consummates the courtship, but that’s probably because Mr. Brown seems unable to even muster enough passion for googly eyes with a woman, let alone a romp in the hay. And in an act of the universe trying to balance itself out, Reb Brown’s polar opposite, Frank Stallone, shows up literally in the last couple minutes of the film and promptly spills outrageous amounts of melodrama all over the place. He seems to have not read the script before shooting his lone scene, because, without any explanation, the film makes a 90 degree turn into a wronged father revenge flick. He’s onscreen for about 90 seconds… then credits roll. And you’re left wondering what in the hell you just watched.

FUN FACT– The Presidential Scientific Board For The Discovery Of New Species does not really exist. Other government boards that don’t exist:

  • -The Presidential Scientific Board of Fanny Pack Research
  • -The Presidential Scientific Board for Toothbrush Innovation
  • -The Presidential Scientific Board of Giant Hairy Clams
  • -The Presidential Scientific Board for New Mexicans
  • -The Presidential Scientific Board of Andy Dick

Do you smell what the Republicans are cookin’???