Orloff Against the Invisible Man (1970)

Spread the weird

RATING– ★★

DIRECTOR– Pierre Chevalier

PLOT– Dr. Garondet is a doctor for a small 18th century village somewhere in eastern Europe.

His nights are spent writing by his carefully stoked fire… until one night when a boy comes calling in the rain…

Nothing excites the good doctor like a boy that comes calling… ***wait…that sounds bad

Nothing excites the good doctor like a boy that comes calling for services… ***wait…that doesn’t sound any better

Nothing excites the good doctor like a boy that comes calling for doctor services for a sick friend…

The doctor heads to the local pub to find a carriage ride to the sick person… at Professor Orloff’s castle!!!

Only one intrepid drunk guy will take him… and even this dude bails on the doctor about halfway to the castle… leaving the doctor to walk the rest of the way in the rain.

After miles of rain-soaked trekking in the backwoods of somewhere’vania, he arrives at Orloff’s castle and is met by the resident neanderthal…

Being quite fearful of Professor Orloff, the dimwitted oaf won’t tell him who called for the doctor or even why he’s there. ***this part of the film is excruciating… needlessly loooooong shots of people saying nothing and doing nothing… good luck making through this part

Finally, the maid sends him to find Orloff’s daughter. She will tell him why he’s there.

Upstairs, the two meet…

Orloff’s daughter indicates she sent for him because she’s fearful of her father… and of an invisible man that seems to be following her all over the castle.

He tells her “Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor!”… or something to that effect… but agrees to meet the menacing Professor Orloff so she tells him where the Professor’s laboratory is.

On his way there, he experiences some incredibly silly special effects spooky stuff like a book floating. Orloff shows up and assures the doctor that the floating book is no trick, it’s an invisible man… that Orloff has created…

It’s an episode of a soap opera madness!

But Orloff has an perfectly good explanation as to why he created an invisible man…

Orloff goes on to tell a ridiculously long tale that makes almost no sense whatsoever…

He daughter dies and Orloff’s horny caretaker decides to steal her jewelry from her coffin…

Only, the daughter isn’t really dead… and she wakes up just as the caretaker is stealing the jewels.

The caretaker stabs her.

She stumbles into her father’s room… and then goes insane.

Orloff is so mad, he imprisons the caretaker… and makes an invisible man.

See… perfectly good explanation for creating an invisible man.

The doctor, satisfied with this amazingly good explanation, retires to his room for the night.

Orloff, however, is pissed. He visits his maid and accuses her of inviting the doctor to the castle to interfere with his experiments. She must be punished by the invisible man…

Chairs move! End tables fall over!! More chairs move!!!

It is more silly special effects will make you shiver!

The doctor hears the screams and heads down to the dungeon to investigate. Orloff, none to happy about even more interfering by the doctor, imprisons him.

He starts a fire to burn through the wooden lock and escapes to rescue Orloff’s daughter.

But the invisible man is hot on his trail and the doctor, unable to see something that’s invisible, is knocked over viciously attacked…

The doctor draws on all those years of invisible man fighting he received at medical school and comes up with a plan… throw flour at the invisible man!

It works! Only, the invisible man isn’t a man! He’s a monkey!

“Why?”, you ask…

I assume it’s because men are very hard to find in eastern Europe, but monkeys are everywhere… it’s the only logical explanation.

Anyway, Orloff is convinced that his invisible monkey has started that fire to burn down his castle and sets off to find him… and disappears from the film for the rest of its runtime.

The good doctor and Orloff’s daughter escape and watch as the castle, and Orloff’s crazy invisible monkey experiment, burns to the ground…

Or did they???

The monkey escapes, wanders through the bushes, and is killed by some hunting dogs that show up out of nowhere.

The end… I guess?!??

3 THINGS WE LEARNED

  1. Don’t ask doctors to do your flooring
  2. Invisible men are unequivocally, absolutely, 100% never ever dangerous
  3. Do you have invisible apes trying to sexually assault your girlfriend? Throw flour at them

REVIEWOrloff Against the Invisible Man should have been titled Orloff Talks With A Doctor For 55 Minutes.

I suspect not many would’ve bought tickets to see a film with that title… although, I also suspect not many bought tickets to see this flick anyway.

There are about 20 minutes of entertainment concealed somewhere inside this 79-minute movie… and director Pierre Chevalier does an excellent job of hiding it.

Pierre Chevalier probably isn’t a name you know. That’s mainly because he’s terrible at directing movies.

His films include a bunch of pornos, this horrible flick, The Panther Squad (reviewed here), and a movie called Ladies House of Pleasure… a film so abominable that Pierre not only changed his name for the credits but also changed his gender. He lists himself as “Lina Cavalcanti”.

But, drawing on his porno past, Pierre Chevalier does provide this movie something quite memorable… a fully nude Brigitte Carva (the actress that plays Orloff’s daughter) and her never-before-trimmed pubic hair…

It’s like a gigantic curly forest of hair & germs… a nightmarishly huge nest of spindly spiders… a black-licorice thicket of cotton candy from hell…

It’s absolutely bloody disgusting.

And it’ll haunt your memories forever.

Thanks, Pierre.


Ken assured Nancy that using a stick of dynamite as a torch was perfectly safe.