Pieces (1982)

Spread the weird


DIRECTOR– Juan Piquer Simón

REVIEW– A killer is terrorizing a small college campus with a chain-saw. Campus security keeps finding dismembered girls all over the place. It’s just a mess. 

They call the police, but the cops can only spare 2 officers. Really, you can’t expect law enforcement to drop everything to try to catch a serial killer… they’ve got things to do… like filing, and typing, and decorating the precinct headquarters! 

Who’s gonna plan Officer Ken’s birthday party?!? Priorities, people! 

How convenient, then, that this college employs maybe the most creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener ever! (who just happens to carry a chain-saw with him constantly) 

Case solved, right? 

Not so fast, Steven Seagal! 

Sure, the creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener just happens to be present at each and every murder scene… and, sure, the creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener runs away from the police every chance he gets… but we know a red-herring when we see one. And so do the police. 

So they hatch an ingenious plan: 

They’ll hold a tennis tournament at the college. They’ll invite roughly 2 tennis players… a retired professional tennis star (who happens to now work as a police detective) & a 15-year-old girl (who, after watching her play, seems to have never even seen a tennis racket before). The tournament will attract 7 or 8 people. Surely, one of those people will be the killer! 

Well, as unlikely as it may seem to you and me (and anyone else on the face of this planet except for the writer of the plot), this plan actually works! For some reason, the tournament suddenly plays a John Philip Sousa march at the volume of a jet fighter engine. The killer becomes so enraged by that deafening tuba, he kills again! 

Band instrument induced homicide! 

Unfortunately, in all the celebration, nobody seemed to notice the 15-year-old tournament runner-up being hacked up over in the corner. 

Oh well. 

They eventually catch & kill the maniac and find out what he’s been doing with all the parts he’s been taking from the dead girls… piecing them together to make a new one in his closet! 

The End. 

Not so fast, Jean-Claude Van Damme! 

Suddenly, the pieced-together body they find miraculously comes to life, jumps up, and attacks the man-parts of an innocent hapless student!!! 

The End. 

Seriously. The movie just stops. 

Rabbi Rabinowitz encountered some unforeseen complications during the bris.