Shock ’em Dead (1991)

Spread the weird

RATING– ★★½

DIRECTOR– Mark Freed

PLOT– Angel Martin is a young man who wants nothing more than to be the best guitar player that ever lived…

Unfortunately, he’s stuck making pizzas.

But after he meets a voodoo priestess, all that’s about to change… and all that she asks in exchange is that Angel give up eating solid food.

Yes. You read that right.

She doesn’t require his soul… or his firstborn… or even money.

He has to stop eating things.

She turns him into the Walmart version of Nikki Sixx and he’s given the Walmart version of a mansion.

He joins the band Spastique Kolon who’s managed by the sultry Lindsay Roberts…

… and immediately decides to make some sexy voodoo with her. Lindsay is the fiancée of bassist Greg, so that kinda complicates things.

Spastique Kolon gets a showcase in front of record producer Troy Donahue, who’s convinced Angel is the greatest musician ever. He offers Angel and the band a contract on the spot.

Angel soon finds himself hungry, so a bunch of undead groupies move into his Walmart mansion and start killing folks so Angel can absorb their… uh… green goo…?… I guess…?

Even though Lindsay think he’s just being jealous, Greg starts to think something is not quite right with Angel and sets out to prove it. So he peeks through Angel’s Walmart mansion window and sees Angel kill a stripper.

Greg calls the police, who can’t find the stripper’s body because they hid it in the dishwasher.

Angel decides he’s had enough and kidnaps Lindsay. He takes her to an amphitheater to eat her green goo.

Greg follows and, in the final showdown, defeats Angel by giving him food… which kills Angel… cause he can’t have regular food anymore.

So, to summerize:

Angel trades his ability to eat food in order to play the guitar really well.

Angel tries to kill the woman he loves.

Angel is killed by eating food.

The end.

3 THINGS WE LEARNED

  1. Pizza restaurant waitresses are required to wear safety bras before starting their shifts
  2. Heavy metal singers like to pretend their dainty virgin girls who won’t get down on their knees
  3. Any interest Traci Lords has in Angel is purely professional, Greg!

REVIEWShock ’em Dead will shock you…

Shock you like an episode of Fantasy Island

Shock you like a suggestive episode of Three’s Company

Shock you like a censored music video from Duran Duran…

In other words, Shock ’em Dead is shocking mostly only to your grandma.

There are a few breasts, a smattering of cuss words, and a couple of people get stabbed, but otherwise Shock ’em Dead is basically a Love Boat episode gone awry… which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

The flick does drag in quite a few spots, but there are definite fun moments thrown in.

And, of course, Traci Lords. She’s a good-lookin’ gal. She doesn’t show much of anything besides a bare tummy in this film, but still…

Wowie!

If you like a little romantic drama with a (very) little shock, you might just enjoy Shock ’em Dead.


Amy’s dentist was quite disappointed in the condition of her teeth.