Termination Man (1997)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮✮✮

DIRECTOR– Fred Gallo

PLOT– Yugoslavia has been torn apart by racial and ethnic unrest. Serbians are fighting Croatians for control of the former country. A despot General named Yurdovich has released a limited chemical gas attack against a small U.N. force and is now threatening a massive attack if the United Nations does not leave him alone. Luckily, the U.N. has been secretly modifying a middle-aged dude in mom-jeans named Dylan to combat this type of threat. After jogging a bit and karate-chopping two guys, thereby proving that his new unnamed modifications have made him unstoppable, the U.N. sends him into Yugoslavia to eliminate Yurdovich and his weapons of mass destruction. To keep an eye on their hefty investment of those unnamed modifications in Dylan, they send a spy named Delilah, recent winner of the “Spy With The Biggest Implants” award, to accompany Dylan. Using spy equipment such as batteries and cameras and laser pointers, they infiltrate a farmer’s market, somebody’s house, a local bar, and a cow pasture. Eventually, Yurdovich invites them to an evil 18th-century costume dinner party. After dessert, he has his favorite cackling Asian torture them for a while. They escape and run around Yugoslavia in their George & Martha Washington costumes until they find a suitable creek-side embankment to procreate on. Feeling rejuvenated by fornicating next to a bubbling brook, they return and destroy Yurdovich and all his henchmen but, curiously, they find no chemical weapons… the very thing they were sent to destroy. It turns out that the U.N. knew all along the General had no more chemical weapons and the whole mission was another test to prove the merit of the unnamed modifications to super-mom-jeans-spy Dylan… as if the jogging and karate-chopping he did earlier wasn’t enough proof.

5 REASONS TO WATCH

  1. Government issue mom-jeans
  2. Spies who don’t wear bras
  3. Bullet-proof Yugoslavian cars
  4. Every single ski-mask in Yugoslavia
  5. Super exciting gondola chases

REVIEW– Ahh, Fred Gallo… director/writer/co-star of Termination Man.

Truly the one-man tour-de-force behind this Slavic straight-to-video masterpiece.

I don’t pretend to be a Fred Gallo expert, nor can I say I’ve seen any other examples of his work. But I know that if someone is responsible for Termination Man, he’s a “special” talent… in some not so traditional ways of filmmaking.

Let’s just say, some of his directorial choices were questionable, at best…

For the super-spy hero… a man supposedly trained as a deadly assassin, possessing lethal tactical skills along with unparalleled athleticism and endurance… for that man they picked actor Steve Railsback, a grandpa in need of a couple of protein shakes and who dresses more like a good-natured middle-aged lesbian than James Bond.

Steve Railsback Termination Man
Steve Railsback – The World’s #1 Sexy Super Spy

They paired him with actress Athena Massey, a woman roughly half his age with twice his physique, and find not-so-creative ways to display that physique (my favorite is a completely pointless costume party thrown by the bad guy who demands Ms. Massey change into a period costume… with cameras rolling, of course).

Athena Massey – Grandpa’s who wear mom-jeans make her horny

And the bad guy General Yurdovich, for a reason only director Fred Gallo knows, sounds like his lines were dubbed with 4-5 different voice actors. At one point, I swear it sounds like a woman does a couple of his lines.

I could go on for hours… literally. It’s a mess of a movie.

But it’s so inept, so strangely made, that it also becomes an enjoyable experience.

Bravo Fred Gallo, whoever you are.


They attempted to suck out Jenny’s brain only to find she had none.