The Devil’s Sword (1984)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮✮✮✮

DIRECTOR– Ratno Timoer

REVIEWThe Devil’s Sword is one hour and 41 minutes long… and I had absolutely no idea what was going on for approximately one hour and 40 minutes of the movie. The opening credits made sense. Then… complete and utter bewilderment. A truly astoundingly baffling movie that’s beyond any mortal’s ability to explain.

But here’s my attempt…

Best I can tell, an evil underwater queen, who commands an alligator-man army, wants to be romanced by all the local boys. And when I say all, I mean all… every single one of them. This really makes all the new brides rather jealous. So she decides to find a sword to control all the warriors of the planet… The Devil’s Sword. But only one good warrior knows where this sword is. He enlists the help of a female peasant who takes him for a boat ride with the angel of death. The evil alligator queen decides to kill the good warrior. She hires four bad warriors to do it… One is an old lady, one is bald, one has a killer mustache, and one is her boy-toy. But before they can find him, they meet at the secret hiding place of The Devil’s Sword (somehow they found it) where they dig holes, hold hands, give piggy-back rides, get their heads stuck in cliff rocks, and fight one-eyed rock-monsters.

…oh, then there’s that 10 minute orgy.

I swear to the God, I made none of that up.

But after all that, you know what is the most mystifying part of this completely senseless, over-the-top mess of a movie?

It is a thoroughly enjoyable film.

At the end of it all, after all the insane dialogue, after all the comical martial arts fight sequences, after all the childish sound effects, and after all the severed body parts filled with ketchup squirting everywhere… after all that, you’ll be entertained.

Absolutely entertained.

I have no idea if the filmmakers were going for a deep character-driven piece of art or an in-depth spiritual soul searching odyssey. But what they succeeded in delivering is an hour and a half of wildly silly entertainment.

Troy, Stan, and Bert debuted their new musical spectacular play Kinky Gator Boots.