The Humanoid (1979)

Spread the weird

RATING– ✮✮½

DIRECTOR– Aldo Lado

PLOT– In the future, the Earth has changed its name to Metropolis and it’s the envy of the Galaxy because of its supply of Kapitron, an important natural element in the process of removing beards from humans.

…Oh, and it turns them into mindless killing machines also.

Well, Metropolis’ leader, The Great Brother, has a brother named Graal who is extremely jealous of his brother… presumably because their parents named him “Graal” and named his brother “Great”.

Graal has employed Dr. Kraspin, a mad scientist, to make an army of beardless zombies to invade and conquer Metropolis. Dr. Kraspin orders a raid on the facility that stores Metropolis’ supply of Kapitron, however once he learns that Barbara Gibson is employed there, he becomes distracted with killing her.

She is saved by Tom Tom, a creepy small Asian boy who only wears robes.

Being thwarted in his attempt, Dr. Krespin turns his attention to a giant space traveler named Golob and his robot dog Kip. He explodes a Kapitron-missile on Golob who immediately loses his beard!!!

…Oh, and becomes a mindless killing machine.

Golob is ordered to attack The Great Brother, but once again Dr. Kraspin changes his orders to kill Barbara Gibson and her creepy small Asian boy Tom Tom. Instead, Golob falls under Tom Tom’s spell and they hold hands.

This turn of events displeases Graal, now at a hidden base on planet Noxon ruled by Lady Agatha. Lady Agatha, who is hundreds of years old but looks like a Playboy model, likes to feast on the blood of virgins… so she’s bad.

Barbara Gibson is soon captured. Metropolis’ fiercest soldier Nick, Golob, and his robot dog hatch a plan to rescue Barbara Gibson. Tom Tom, being so creepy and small, hides in their spaceship.

When they arrive at planet Noxon, Tom Tom summons a couple of translucent archers. They help Barbara Gibson by using “light-arrows”… definitely not the George Lucas copyrighted “light-sabers”. Definitely.

They destroy Lady Agatha, Dr. Kraspin, and Graal.

Tom Tom informs his friends that his mission is over and he must return to his home… which is in Asia. They all wave bye-bye.

5 REASONS TO WATCH

  1. Gentle giants named Golob
  2. Sexy scientists named Barbara Gibson
  3. Moo-moo wearing presidents named The Great Brother
  4. Playboy models with severe helmet-hair named Lady Agatha
  5. Bondage-loving Darth Vader look-a-likes named Graal

REVIEWThe Humanoid is a Star Wars ripoff.

Better yet, it’s a weird Italian Star Wars ripoff. So everything has that bizzaro-world feel to it that Italians seem to have cherished during a period of the 70s and 80s.

They attempted to ripoff Darth Vader… but somehow those wacky Italians turned him into a sexual masochistic perversion dressed as a gay man’s leather dream.

Darth Vader gets kinky!

The film is obviously made for children. It’s filled with space ships, cute robot dogs, and laser battles… yet, somehow, those zany Italians managed to squeeze in a couple of minutes of full-frontal female nudity.

Those madcap Italians even tried their hand at some stunts… unfortunately it’s quite apparent that, instead of stunt actors, department store mannequins were used with completely unintentionally comic results.

The Humanoid stars Richard Kiel and Connie Clery. Both actors are more famously known for their bit parts in the James Bond film Moonraker… and for good reason.

Jaws and a Bond girl go to space!

Neither one can act a lick.

However, the film could’ve starred Daniel Day-Lewis and Meryl Streep and it would’ve turned out just the same… it needs way more than a couple of fine actors to pull this out of the B-movie bucket.

But it really shouldn’t matter…

It’s so weirdly Italian, that the film becomes a fun-filled Italian-disco-space-opera extravaganza.


When she found out her conditioner had run out, Jenny’s hair committed suicide.