The Mummy’s Kiss 2nd Dynasty (2006)

Spread the weird

RATING– ½

DIRECTOR– Donald F. Glut

PLOT– An Egyptian mummy named Hor Shep Sut has been brought to a museum in a generic big city (certainly not named Los Angeles) where the press, wealthy donors, sexual-predatory museum directors, bug-eating Jerry-Gracia-lookalike Deadheads, desperately horny professors, and a few breast implant recipient trollops have gathered to celebrate the new exhibit.

Local tabloid reporter Elyse Lam smells a story that could elevate her prestige far, far above the usual silly, sensational tabloid subjects… a story about a mummy that comes back to life and kills people.

Being spurned by two bleach-blonde strippers who are huge fans of Egyptian history, evil middle-aged lesbian professor Dr. Zita Furneaux also sees an opportunity… an opportunity to regain her youth.

32 in bimbo years is 80 in normal human years

Dr. Zita decides to bring the mummy back to life and just happens to have an ancient Egyptian spell memorized that does just that (How does she know this spell?… it’s best not to ask questions of this movie).

“This will look great by the ficus

She summons three topless Gods of Egypt who, after gyrating and caressing each other like disinterested sex-show workers, tell her she must first kiss the mummy, then the mummy will tell her who to sleep with. Finally, she must kiss her lovers to steal their KA’s… which we are told is life-force… and that will make Dr. Zita young again.

Although, none of that matters at all… the movie just goes off and does whatever it wants to do without regard to that stated plot anyway.

Meanwhile, reporter Elyse gets a history lesson from horny professor Bramwell.

“King Tut ate his TV dinners off this ancient Egyptian placemat”

She learns that 1st-century Egyptians were randy little buggers who didn’t mind some good ol’ fashioned oiled-up lesbo action in someone’s 21st-century pool… especially the cruel Hor Shep Sut.

She was so cruel, we are told, the 1st-century pharaoh sentenced her to death and burial in a nearby 21st-century park.

Unimpressed, Elyse decides to dig further.

Over at the museum, Dr. Zita has decided to send the mummy to kidnap one of the history-loving strippers that spurned her earlier. The mummy Hor Shep Sut stumbles around the brainless stripper’s house and somehow is able to capture her… even though the mummy moves at the speed of a drunk octagenarian.

After being brought to evil Dr. Zita, the bleach blonde bimbo and the doctor immediately have some really moan’y Cinemax After Dark sex. Although, that sex was just an excuse to steal the poor stripper’s Ka. Soon, however, Dr. Zita’s plan begins to crumble when she realizes the mummy Hor Shep Sut, as well as the trio of topless Gods of Egypt, has double-crossed her and are merely using Dr. Zita.

Reporter Elyse begins to suspect something weird is going on when she notices Dr. Zita’s makeup… because who would have makeup on except an evil doctor… She brings this information to her editor, but he refuses to publish such an unfounded story in his tabloid newspaper because her story lacks “facts”.

More history-loving strippers start to disappear left and right and Elyse decides to dig deeper. Her plan includes breaking into the museum after dark to search for clues like blood, or mummy wrappings, or breast-implants.

This plan goes horribly wrong and Elyse soon finds herself topless and standing in front of Dr. Zita where the doctor threatens her with some carpet-munching.

Not a single thing going on in any of these brains

A slurping, writhing, moaning, and groaning orgy breaks out. Unfortunately, the topless Gods of Egypt have had enough of this irresponsible and dangerous casual sex and order Hor Shep Sut to kill Dr. Zita.

All this has Elyse’s editor more than a little concerned. He follows Elyse to the museum and saves her from more moaning.

They fall in love and live happily ever after…

… well, at least until he finds a tramp with even bigger breast implants.

3 THINGS WE LEARNED

  1. Museum press conferences are second only to Tinder for casual sex hook-ups
  2. Ancient Egypt looked remarkedly similar to a neighborhood in the San Fernando Valley
  3. Tabloid newspapers only want the “facts” about Bigfoot and Elvis

REVIEW– There really isn’t much to say about The Mummy’s Kiss 2nd Dynasty. It’s about as terrible a movie as you’ll ever see (if you make the unfortunate decision to actually watch this thing).

Shot on video, it looks terrible, the mummy effects are Spencer’s Gifts-level cheap, the acting is nonexistent, and the score is laughably bad (***as a side note, for fan’s of the uber-crappy Birdemic… that horrible music that’s played repeatedly ad-nauseam in Birdemic makes a cameo in this flick***).

It’s hard for me to believe that the first The Mummy’s Kiss film needed a sequel… and if it did, this certainly isn’t the sequel the masses were clamoring for.

The whole thing seems to have been made to give a platform to the poor girls in came in last for “Worst Boob Jobs In Los Angeles” to show off their terrible body modification decisions.

Lots and lots of poor choices being made by women in this film

Neither Candy nor Velvet wanted anything to do with “education”