Time Barbarians (1990)

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DIRECTOR– Joseph J. Barmettler

REVIEW– I used to watch the television show American Gladiators and think: “One day, I’m gonna work out and get my body into shape. Then train as hard as I can until I’m an elite athlete. I’m going to get my self a neon-colored unitard and change my name to Mega-Bolt. Then they’ll put me on American Gladiators and make me a star!”

I soon realized I would have to give up corn-dogs, pizza, cookies, eating frosting straight from the container, long naps on the couch, weekends spent doing literally nothing, using the scooter at the grocery instead of pushing a cart, getting up after 2pm, and Gilligan’s Island marathons.

Then, to top it all off, someone invented the internet… I quickly changed my dream from starring in American Gladiators to being the first person to download all the Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch podcasts.

I think I was successful.

But one person who held onto that American Gladiators’ dream was Deron McBee.

Deron McBee worked and worked until his pecs were the size of tiny bald horses… He got a flashy rastlin’ outfit… He changed his name to Malibu… and quickly became the most awesome blond behemoth American Gladiator ever!

… oh, and he starred in our movie Time Barbarians.

And my suggestion to Deron McBee, aka Malibu… go back to making your pecs spectacularly huge & hair-free as fast as you can.

To call Deron McBee an “actor” is akin to calling a truck-stop restroom “fragrant”.

Soooo-weeeeee! Woooo, pig….. com’ on!

Deron plays Doran (I’m guessing because he can only learn one name at a time) with subtleness and deft understatement… much like Hulk Hogan. His ease at moving from an ancient Norwegian warrior to a modern-day Los Angelean in search of his girlfriend’s killer is as smooth as Rosie O’Donnell tryin’ to get into a wetsuit! And when he finds his soul-mate, his lifelong partner, the love of his life murdered… well, let’s just say, I’ve displayed more grief at finding I’ve run out of Ranch Dressing.

Now I’m not saying Malibu had no chance at becoming the next Schwarzenegger….

….. well, yes… I am saying that.

That person on the right… that’s a guy! Not kidding.