Vampire Ecstasy (1973)

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RATING– ★½

DIRECTOR– Joseph W. Sarno

PLOT– A 300-year old baroness/vampiress needs to return to her castle to take revenge on those that burned her at the stake. But she must find a body to possess.

The baroness enlists a bunch of 70s German porn actresses a coven of Satanists to help her.

The head of the coven, Wanda (who is, by day, a maid… and, by night, a Beelzebub-worshipping/lesbian-loving/penis-candle-making dominatrix) summons three young women to the castle to inform them that they will inherit the baroness’ property if they stay at the castle for one full year.

Coincidently, Julia, a biologist who studies vampire lore, and her brother Peter happen to get stranded at the castle that very day.

Wanda decides that one of the two young women is the perfect candidate for the baroness.

From there, well… the movie kinda turns into a sapphic mess of women sleeping…

women chanting…

women moaning…

and women paddling the pink canoe…

The baroness/vampiress finally returns, bites a few people, and then gets a stake in the heart.

3 THINGS WE LEARNED

  1. The drummer at Satanic Vampire Conjuring rituals doesn’t get paid enough
  2. People actually use those penis candles they sell at Spencer’s Gifts
  3. Evidently, imaginary bats are just as scary as actual bats

REVIEW– Before I watched Vampire Ecstasy, my favorite “Wanda” was that seriously wicked warden of a psychiatric hospital for girls.***

***note: the aforementioned “Wanda” of Wanda The Wicked Warden was, in fact, not named “Wanda”… her name was actually “Greta”… nor was her name “Ilsa”, even though the film was also released as Ilsa The Wicked Warden… why was the film named Wanda (or Ilsa) The Wicked Warden if no one in the film has either of those names, you ask?

…ummm, your guess is as good as mine.

Anyway, my new favorite Wanda is unquestionably Wanda the housekeeper in Vampire Ecstasy.

She’s a raven-haired, domineering lesbian with a sinful heart and the most outrageously thick German accent a boy could hope for!

The way she hits those rock-hard S’s and turns those TH’s into some sultry leather-clad Z’s…

Oh my!

She’s a genuine, 100% real-life Frau Blücher from the wrong side of Düsseldorf’s tracks!

In fact, every single actor in this film has a fiercely chunky German accent. The film was shot in German and then shot in English and I’m not entirely sure any of them actually understand the English words they are speaking… there are more than a few times a line of dialogue is delivered with a strangely placed accent on a word that makes the whole sentence sound like a really bad Google Maps attempt at speech.

Unfortunately, even the über-provocative Wanda the housekeeper can’t keep this film afloat. The plot is so simple that the film feels like it’s dragging out the same scene over and over just to pad the runtime… which, at 104 minutes, is a totally unnecessarily torturous thing to do to the viewer… especially being that the film is basically a 70s German porno with the explicit parts cut out.

So, if seeing Frau Blücher gyrating in a Satanic lesbian ritual with impossibly huge dildos in her hands is your thang, you can’t get much better than Vampire Ecstasy…

… and for the other 99.999% of the general population, well… you can probably skip this freaky flick.


No one’s clothes knew what goddam century they were in.