Witchtrap (1989)

Spread the weird

RATING– ★★★★

DIRECTOR– Kevin S. Tenney

PLOT– World-renown paranormal researchers Agnes & Felix Goldberg receive a desperate call from Devon Lauder, the owner of a haunted bed & breakfast in Solano County, as well as Solano County business tycoon. Mr. Lauder wants to open his hotel to cash-in on the haunted house craze that’s sweeping the nation, but feels it’s too dangerous. He recently hired The Amazing Azamov, described as a “fairly popular Las Vegas Magician”, to promote the opening.

Doug Henning has put on a few pounds

Seems the ghost that haunts the B&B hates magicians as much as most people and promptly threw him out a second story window.

To tackle the problem, Agnes assembles a crack team of ghost hunters:

Her husband Felix…

The human Kermit The Frog

A jogger named Whitney…

Run Forrest, Run

And Ginger Kowowski, a slutty girl with a VCR…

Oops, her shirt seems to have fallen off

The owner also assembles a three-member security team from the QT Security firm who, because of the bed & breakfast urgency, must drop their other case… a retail shop burglary.

Tony Vincente, the wise-cracking security team “operative”, doesn’t believe in ghosts and wants nothing to do with the assignment. He’s offended that his skills are being wasted on such an unimportant case and wants to get back to solving the really big crimes… like retail shop capers.

His horny partner Levi Jackson (whose cutaway facial reactions rival Frank from Samurai Cop) has a “bad feeling” about the case.

Frank (l) vs Levi (r) – The duel of the easily impressed black sidekicks

They arrive the next morning and Levi, the crack security operative, is immediately scared of an urn and wants to leave, but, noticing slutty Ginger in a sexy dress, his horniness overrules his fears and he decides to stay.

(Whew!… thank god for Levi’s lonely penis… the whole operation was almost abandoned before it even started)

They soon meet Elwin…

That’s a lot of pounds per square inch working on those suspenders

He’s a simple-minded houseboy, gardener, and groundskeeper… oh, he also happens to be a serial killer.

It also seems a little bit of Satan-worship has been happening in the attic… oh, and Agnes forgot to mention that the former owner tried to achieve immortality through murderous rituals and was found with his heart cut out on the alter… must’ve slipped her mind.

Agnes sets up her blinky-blinky-beep ghost machine and starts a séance where they contact the ghost of the former owner who, along with knocking a guy out of a seat, sets up an appointment for later to “destroy” the team.

They move to the basement and talk about okra while slutty Ginger Kowowski takes a shower… where somehow, incredibly, she stabs herself in the throat with the showerhead.

Oops, her shirt seems to have fallen off… and she’s got a gaping wound in her throat

Horny security operative Levi’s lonely penis is distraught and vows to kill “that mutherf*cker” who killed the object of his penis’ desire.

So Levi decides to go for help, but the ghost runs him and his lonely penis over with a station-wagon.

Vincente, who deals with only “fact and reason”, still doesn’t believe any of this is real and searches for a rational explanation to all this talk of okra, lonely penises, and killer showerheads. Being a security operative “on the street” has hardened him.

Meanwhile, Felix is learning that Agnes is not only searching for ghosts, but also searching for “glory”… and she’s willing to sacrifice anything or anyone to get it.

Down in the basement, both the ghost and the simple-minded serial killer Elwin try to kill Vincente. His security operative training kicks in and he’s able to fend both off.

The team decides it’s too dangerous to stay any longer and send Vincente to get the van… it blows up.

Well, that’s enough to convince Vincente… after all, what can make a van blow up but ghosts!

Unfortunately, the sun has set which means no one can possibly leave… because humans can’t possibly go outside when it’s dark.

Agnes tries a seance again. This time it goes slightly wrong… her husband’s head blows up.

Probably gonna need a Band-aid for that

Whitney finds a car and decides to go for help… unfortunately, she’s a much better jogger than driver and quickly runs off the road. She gives up and drives back.

Back at the bed & breakfast, Agnes finally meets her maker courtesy of the nasty ghost while Whitney decides she’s hungry and eats the ashes out of the urn… which, besides being a terrible choice of snack, turns out to be the very thing the ghost needed to become immortal.

Vincente melts the newly immortal ghost and kills him (which, I’m pretty sure, goes against the definition of “immortal”)…

… or was all of it just Vincente’s drunken hallucination???

We may never know…

3 THINGS WE LEARNED

  1. If your film didn’t suck enough when you recorded it while filming, don’t worry, you can dub it in post-production and it’ll suck even more
  2. Taking a shower isn’t dangerous because of the possibility of falling on slippery floors, it’s dangerous because the showerhead might stab you in the neck
  3. You can go blind doing that

REVIEW– Here’s the first thing you should know about Witchtrap… it has exactly 0.0 witches in it.

100% witch-free.

Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Not a witch within 100 miles of Witchtrap.

Why is it called Witchtrap, you ask?

Don’t know.

There is a dead warlock in it… I guess.

At least, they call him a warlock… I’d call him a devil-worshiper, not a warlock… but that’s splitting hairs.

So, for the sake of argument, let’s call him a warlock… a male who practices witchcraft…

… not a female who practices witchcraft… not a male who practices witchcraft who identifies as a female… heck, not even a male who dresses like a female who practices witchcraft.

For god’s sake, the warlock even has a huge beard.

That is one hairy witch

Definitely not a female… not effeminate in any way.

So, again, why is the movie called Witchtrap?

Because Warlocktrap sounds wrong?

I don’t know, okay?

Warlocktrap sounds just as scary as Witchtrap to me…

Either way, this flick succeeds ONLY because it’s a third-rate, poorly acted, terribly scripted, god-awfully dubbed pile of rubbish.

You’re guaranteed to have a great time watching this because you’re having such a bad time watching this… know what I mean?

This truly is one of the worst (i.e. best) films ever made.


Gina realized too late she had tuned-in to The Rosie O’Donnell Show marathon